Goddess Bread

I eat her legs and I think about my legs. I think about how as a child I used my legs to jump rope, and run just for fun. I think about how as an adult I use my legs to run for exercise. I think about my calves, strong and toned. I think about my thighs , a little soft. I think about when I first began to exert my sexuality and how I would wear short skirts to show off my legs. I think about my legs bending to pick up my children.

I eat her vulva and I think about my vulva. I think about sex and being touched there. I think about giving birth. I think about how my vulva has never torn

I eat her belly and I think about my belly. Marked and stretched from 3 pregnancies. I think about my babies in there. I think about the feeling of fullness after a big meal. I think about the endless exercises I do to improve my belly. I think about my babies hugging me and resting their heads on my belly.

I eat her breast and I think about my breasts. I think about my breasts developing. I think about being self conscious about my breasts. I think about how I hate my breasts. I think about how my breasts are too big. I think about how I love my breasts, because they nourish my babies.

I eat her arms and I think about my arms. I think about hanging from the jungle gym as a child. I think about wrapping my arms around my mother. I think about carrying my babies. I think about lifting weights to make my arms stronger. I think about kneading dough for bread.

I eat her head and I think about my head. I think about the good thoughts in my head that make me smile. I think about the bad thoughts that keep me awake at night. I think about studying. I think about knowledge.

A small piece is left. It is shapeless, but I think it's her heart. I do not eat it. Instead I take her to my garden I tear her heart into pieces and I spread her in the dirt. She will decompose and give life to the earth. The birds will eat her and she will give life to the birds. She will give life, because she is life.

First math and now this

I posted recently about how my 6 yr old had begun to do math completely on his own, well today he started doing letters! He came to me with a notebook and a pencil and asked me how to write the letter S. Then we continued from there. He'd tell me the letter he wanted to see I'd write it and then he would write it. Now I know what some of you schoolies are saying " My 6 yr old has been doing this since last year!" Well that's not how unschooling works. R wasn't ready to learn his letters until now and since he doesn't have to go to school and be forced into someone else's schedule he is able to learn at his own pace. Also, how cool is it that he actually wants to learn something! I didn't have to force or prod or coerce, I just had to provide a happy environment in which to grow.

I need...

I need something, but I'm not sure what it is. I've felt so tired and down lately. I'm not eating well so I'm sure that's part of the problem. Hell, that's probably all of the problem. I'm going shopping tomorrow and I'm just going to stock up on "real" food. Fresh fruits and veggies. Eggs milk and meat from the local farms, and some fresh herbs. I'm also going to start walking in the mornings again. It just starts my day off right.

Why I'm Pro-Choice

When someone says they're pro-choice the first thought that pops into most people's head is abortion. I believe it goes beyond that. I believe pro-choice includes the whole spectrum of pregnancy and child birth from conception until the baby is born. I believe it includes a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy as well as her right to decide who does or doesn't assist her and where she chooses to birth. I also believes it includes her right to choose the birth that is right for her. I think elective c-sections are dangerous, but still I will support a woman's right to have one. I can't expect someone to support my right to have an unassisted birth if I don't support their right to a medicated one.
Regardless of the risks I support a woman's right to abortion, hospital birth, home birth, voluntary induction, elective c-section, free birth, epidurals and so on. I'm not saying I agree with all of these things I'm just saying I support a woman's right to choose these things for herself.

Earth hour

I wanted to blog about this and now that I have a sleeping babe on my lap I have a chance!

For the second year in a row my family has observed Earth hour. This year the older kids were at their grandparents and my husband was at a friends house so it was just baby K and myself in the dark. At first I couldn't help but watch the clock it seemed like this hour was going to take forever, but pretty soon I grew to love the quiet stillness.
At first baby K and I just looked outside. It was snowing and the ground seemed to be glowing because of it. Baby K would point and ahhh and I would answer his silent questions as best I could. When that tired we danced. Nothing fast or fancy just a simple sway to a rhythm in my own head. Baby K was resting his head on my shoulder and occasionally his little hand would pat my back. I felt that each little pat was his silent way of telling me he loved me. After we had danced I sat down to nurse baby K. I sat on the couch with a single candle lit, and baby K layed across my lap. As he nursed I sang a song that I've sang to all my babies just incoparating their own name and gender into it. It's simple and nothing special, but my children always loved it. As I sang to him he would reach up and gently stroke my face. Meanwhile I could see his eyes getting heavier from the sleep he was trying desperately to avoid. His eyes had finally closed so I decided to end my serenade of him, but as soon as the last note had left my lips he popped off the breast opened his eyed wide and clapped as hard as he could! I couldn't help but laugh and baby K continued nursing and I continued singing. Soon I looked up and realized our hour was up, but I just sat there nursing baby K. I was enjoying this too much.

Today I will doubt myself

As a parent I occasionally have days where I doubt myself to a level that is below comprehension. I don't know what sets this off in me. Maybe it's an off hand remark from a family member or some baggage left over from my public school days. Whatever it is it makes the day tiresome and painful. Today started off as one of those days.
My main concern was my kids education. Am I doing it right? Are they going to be equipped for the "real world"? Am I damaging them in some way? I could keep going, but I won't.
What do I do when I have these feelings? Well first I call a friend and just vent a little bit. Then I get on Sandra Dodd's website. Any question you have ever had about unschooling is on that site. I instantly feel a sense of peace once I read some of the articles on there. I highly recommend it to anyone thinking about unschooling. She also has links to several other unschooler blogs on her site.
I do feel better and I feel confident in my decisions once again, but it makes me realize that I'm not there yet. I'm not totally at peace with myself. I have a few ideas why, but I won't go into that now.

Math

I'm always amazed how much my children learn from just simply "being." I feel sorry for kids being forced to learn things when they're not ready or when their just simply not interested. People always like to argue with me that no kid will ever ask to learn multiplication, geography, or whatever subject they despised in school. I have to disagree. My kids like to learn, because I've never forced them too.

My son R has recently started doing addition. Big deal you say, but I've never taught R to do addition he just picked it up on his own. Just by playing games and enjoying life he was able to teach himself to add! It's so exciting to me! He's starting to multiplication as well. It started one day when he said, " I know what 4 three times makes...12." I explained to him that he was doing multiplication. Now he's constantly coming up to me with new problems he's figured out on his own.

I don't want to give anyone the idea that I never worry. I do. I have moments when I worry that my kids aren't at the" level" they should be and then I think, "who came up with these levels?" It's just some leftover brainwashing from my public school days making me question myself and my children.

Sick babies

Both of my sons are sick right now. I'm pretty sure baby K is just teething. He's got a fever, runny nose and a cough. Also he keeps sticking his fingers in his mouth. He's nursing like a mad man as well. I told my husband last night that when woke up the next morning he'd probably find me deflated:).
R on the other hand is running a fever and throwing up. Not a lot, but enough. I know it sounds mean, and I really do hate it when any of my kids are sick. However when R is sick it's kind of like a little vacation. He's such a hyper, intense child, and when he's sick he's calm and subdued. He's had this for quite a while though, and I'm actually thinking about taking him to the doctor.
It's been a really long time since I've had any of my kids to the doctor for illness. Baby K went in to have his bow legs looked at (he's fine), and R went in when we thought he broke his arm. As far as going in for illness I bet it's been 4 years! My kids are usually very healthy, but this winter we've had a lot of illness. I think a lot of it has to do with the constant change in the weather. One day it's hot enough to wear shorts and the next it's snowing. And people don't believe in Global Warming HAH!

De-cluttering

Aaaahhh! We have way to much stuff. It's ridiculous really. Part of the problem is that we are a family of 5 living in a house for a family of 2, but we still have way to much stuff. It's pretty much impossible to keep the place clean. So, I've decided to do something about it. For the next 30 days I am going to get rid of 10 things everyday! That may seem extreme to some people, but it's really not. Remember I have 3 kids! It doesn't have to be big things. Little things count too.
Yesturday was my first day, and I have to say it felt really great to take those things to the local Salvation Army. I was actually excited to pick out the stuff I was going to get rid of today.
I really just consider this another step on my way to creating harmony.

Confessions

I mentioned in my last post that baby K will be turning one soon. I've been thinking about ways to celebrate the little guys first birthday. But I've also been trying to think of ways to bring up his birth story.
You see baby K was born at home unassisted. No doctor, no midwife, just myself and my husband. I labored in the bathroom while my husband cleaned the kitchen. He periodically came in to ask me if I needed anything, and he was there when K was born (he almost didn't make it). This was not an accident we planned an unassisted birth. However during my pregnancy we told our families that I had a midwife to keep them calm, and after he was born we told them the midwife didn't make it in time. Problem solved, right? Wrong! Baby K's birth was one of the most amazing things I have ever done. I felt so empowered after he was born, but I really felt like a lot of that power was stripped from me by well meaning family members. Instead of telling me how amazing I was or brave or whatever for having a baby unassisted they acted as if my husband had been my savior! They looked at me as a victim. Someone who needed rescuing and thank god my husband was there to save me!
I want to tell them what really happened. I want them to know that while yes, my husband was a part of my labor. I am the one who delivered my baby. I was not a victim. I did not need to be rescued! But how do I bring it up? It's not something that comes up in casual conversation.
I regret not telling them from the beginning. I was so worried about them thinking I was crazy. I would take people thinking I was crazy over being a victim any day.

I actually want to say something real fast while I'm on here. This is sort of a pet peeve of mine. Will people Please quit saying that doctors deliver babies!! Doctors do not deliver babies! Doctors assist in deliveries. Doctors catch babies. They do not deliver babies. Ladies, you are the ones delivering your babies! So the next time someone says doctor so and so "delivered" their baby say, "oh really, your baby came out of doctor so and so's body?"
Sorry about the rant.

I'm back

I've been gone for too long! Life just sort of got away from me. The baby is almost a year old! I can't believe it. He is so cute. He started walking at 9 months, which isn't uncommon for my kids. E and R are doing great as well. They are doing cheerleading and basketball this winter. Well, E will cheer, but R will probably just goof off LOL! I'm going to try to start posting again.