Why did you choose to home school?

As an unschooling family I am often asked why I choose to home school. Usually the question is from people who don't have kids yet or from those that have kids in public school. It's a question that always makes me uncomfortable because I always worry about offending people. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but because of this fear I have not been honoring myself and my own experiences. In the past I have usually just given some vague answer like, "oh, that's what works best for our family" but from now on I am going to try to be more honest. I don't feel like I need to tell people all the problems with public schools but I do feel like I need to tell people about all of MY problems with PS. The issues I faced as a student in the PS system. I feel like I was chewed up and spit out by school. To say that PS and I were not a good match is an understatement! I hated it, and not because all my teachers were horrible (though most were) or that I was bullied or anything like that. It was just not a good fit for me. At all! I was not made to be caged and told how to learn and think. Very few kids are. I hated the drudgery and boredom. I hated having to learn on someone else schedule. I use to spend hours at the library in the reference section just researching any and everything my heart desired. I did not hate learning. I loved it, but it needed to be my own choice. Being told what to learn will make a person hate a subject faster than anything!
I took typing/computer class several times in school, but I didn't learn to type until several years after I graduated. I just wasn't ready at the time but the class was mandatory so I took it. It was a waste of my time and it makes me sick to think about it.
I had math and the importance of math shoved down my throat more times than I can count, but guess what? Beyond basic math it was all pretty pointless. I know many people will go on to use advanced math in their careers, but I don't. I'm also confident that if I ever had to learn advanced math I could.
I use to make myself sick about school. The thought of going would literally make me ill. To the point that I would throw up. I feared it like people fear the dark. As a young child it was torturous and I actually have a hard time not crying for that small version of myself. I was a shell of a person at the age of 5. I seemed better on the outside as I got older but it was just for show.
For several years after I was out of school I would have recurring nightmares that I was back in school. The dreams would always be filled with panic. I wouldn't be able to find a class, an assignment would be missing, a pop quiz whatever , the point is they were never pleasant dreams. I would always wake up with my heart racing then instantly feel relieved that it wasn't real. About a year ago, I had one of my school dreams except this time in my dream I dropped out. Yep, I walked right into my dream principals office and dropped out of school! The funny thing is I haven't had a nightmare about being back in school since! Dropping out, even in dream form was some weird sort of closure for me. It hasn't erased all the damage that school did for me but I took as a sign that I am moving in the right direction.
My feelings from that time were real and shouldn't be ignored so from now on when people ask me why I home school I'm going to honor myself and my feelings and share my experience with them.

About short hair

I'm going to stray from my normal topic list of unschooling, home birth and all things mothering and talk a little bit about style today. Particularly hair. Short hair to be precise. I recently cut my hair off. This isn't new to me, in fact I've had my hair Mia Farrow pixie short in the past. But after having hair no shorter then chin length and well past that for the last 10 years it was a pretty big change. Currently my hair is in a "long pixie" I have to admit it's taken some getting use to but all in all I love it. Here are a few things you need to know about short hair. Number 1) Your days of wearing sloppy t-shirts and sweat pants are over. Unless you want to look like a dude and in that case be my guest. Short hair makes you sit up and take notice of your clothes. You're no longer hiding behind your hair, so what you wear takes center stage. That being said, you can still be comfortable and have short hair. You just need to trade in your baggy t-shirt for a form fitting one and your sweats for some cute yoga pants. Number 2) People will say something. Or nothing. People will either like your hair and say stuff like, "your hair is so cute" or they won't like it and they'll say stuff like, "why did you cut your hair?" Which is a stupid question. Don't take it personally some people can not accept women with short hair. No matter how cute. If you're lucky they won't say anything but that just means they don't like it. And if you have uber religious in laws (like me) who think cutting your hair is a sin that will get you banished to the fiery depths of hair you will be prayed for, but hey is that ever a bad thing? Number 3) You will feel like you can kick everyone's ass. I don't know why but after I cut my hair I feel like I could give some serious ass kickings. At only 5 ft 3 in and average weight I probably couldn't really kick anyone's ass but I sure feel like I could and not in a violent way but in a super woman type of way. Number 4) OK this is going to be disappointing for a lot of you, but be prepared to spend more time on your hair. I know, I know, but it's true. Unless you shave your head you will spend more time on your hair. That's because there is no quick fix. Your days of pulling your hair back in a pony tail are over.

Once again I'm done

Every now and then I get this intense feeling that I'm done. Done with what? I don't really know. I just feel done. I'm not done with life and this isn't some sort of suicidal thing, I'm just done. I'm done trying and I'm done caring. I really think it's usually a sign that I need time to myself. Right now I just want to eat good food that I did NOT have to cook, watch movies that I want to watch and work in my garden which is one of my favorite things to do. I feel annoyed at everyone around me and I imagine I'm not the best person to be around. I feel like everyone around around me needs something and then when I give it to them they forget to thank me and instead thank someone else. I'm done and I feel unappreciated. Not a good combination.

Dear HB301 supporters

For those that don't know HB301 is a bill that if passed will regulate midwives out of existence in the state of Missouri.



Dear HB301 supporters,



Please stop lying.



Please stop saying that home birth with a Certified Professional Midwife is unsafe. If you've done any research at all you know that it's as safe or safer than a traditional hospital birth.If you haven't done any research and are just going off what other supporters are saying, you should probably do something about that.



If you're a doctor and you support HB301 let me ask you this? If it's truly about safety then why are your induction rates so high? Why are your c-section rates so high? We all know that when these things are truly necessary they're great, but they're not safe. They hold many risks yet you continue to do them at an alarming rate. If you were really worried about safety you would lower your induction and c-section rates, and if you were truly worried about safety you would find a way to work with midwives rather than against them.



If you're a man and you support HB301 because you feel the need to "speak for women." Thank you, but I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself. Just because I have a vagina it doesn't mean my brain isn't functioning.



If you're a woman and you support HB301, shame on you for turning your back on your own gender.



If you're a representative and you support HB301 please do your job and represent the people. Please stop representing the doctors and medical lobbyists. I realize they have more money, but your job isn't to only represent those that can fund your campaign.



Please stop saying your support for HB301 is about safety. Please just admit that it's about money and turf. Please admit that you can not stand the idea of not being in control. Please admit that you're just a little bit uncomfortable with the idea of women being in control of their own bodies, and that if there was ever a bill trying to be passed that affected men the way this bill affects women you would have killed it the instant it was heard.

No More Good Girls

Well basically I'm done. Done with all the lies and bullshit the doctors and the Missouri Medical Association are spewing. They know damn well that home birth with a Certified Professional Midwife is safe. They just can't admit that the real reason they hate midwives is because of money and the fact that they can not stand the idea of poor little women folk making decisions for themselves. Make no mistake if a doctor is anti midwife he is either greedy, stupid or he just simply hates women.

Doctors can not stand the idea of us not all being "good little girls" They want us to lie down with our legs spread and needles all of our bodies and they don't ever want us to complain or ask questions or even think for ourselves. They just want us to be "good little girls." Well FUCK THAT! I'm done with it and I'm encouraging every other woman to do the same. Ask questions, complain, scream, threaten just don't be a "good little girl" anymore.

Small promises

Do small promises matter? I've always thought not. I'm constantly breaking small promises to my kids. A trip to the ice cream store, a late night walk, a movie etc etc. I don't do it to be mean, but sometimes by the end of the day I'm tired or it's too dark or I just don't have enough money. Sometimes it just can't be helped. Up until recently I didn't really think it mattered. But recently I've had a change of heart.
My husband is a very busy man. He works full time and he's in the process of starting a new business. Needless to say he has a lot on his plate. Sometimes that means plans we've made sort of go by the wayside. Especially little things like, walks together or drinking a glass of wine outside in the evening. They seem small and unimportant, but every time he cancels on me because he's tired or too busy it hurts. It's not horrible and I understand, but that doesn't change the fact that breaking promises, even small ones is hurtful.
I now understand why my kids get upset when I break those small promises. Each time it's like a small pin prick to the heart. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I can promise that I'll think harder before the next time. And if I do have to break a promise I'll definitely be more sympathetic to their feelings.

Balance

I struggle with trying to find balance in my life. Balance between, kids, home school, cleaning house, my husband and myself. One of the problems is that I struggle with what I really want. I want to be organized and have a well kept home, but I also want to have a home that invites creativity and happy chaos. I'm sure the two can be blended, but I haven't figured out how to do it. I don't know anyone else that has done it yet either.

Trying to find balance between myself and my children is the hardest. It's especially hard since I unschool. I use to think I had to stop whatever I was doing in order to help my kids. I had this big fear that if I didn't do whatever they wanted RIGHT THEN they would miss out on an important learning opportunity! I worried they would never have the opportunity again! Well, guess what? Kids don't forget that easily! Trust me, if you tell your 7 year old you'll play math bingo later they WILL remember!

I'm learning to take time for myself. To put myself first. That's right I said it! What I've learned is that by meeting my own needs first I am able to meet the needs of my family in a much more enjoyable manner. There's that saying " if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." Well, that's true.

I feel like I struggle constantly with all of this. I feel like the weight is constantly shifting. Sometimes I feel like one part of my life is going to take over and crush the other parts of my life.

I am always learning and I am always making mistakes. I've realized that part of having balance in my life is being able to forgive myself for those mistakes.