Small promises

Do small promises matter? I've always thought not. I'm constantly breaking small promises to my kids. A trip to the ice cream store, a late night walk, a movie etc etc. I don't do it to be mean, but sometimes by the end of the day I'm tired or it's too dark or I just don't have enough money. Sometimes it just can't be helped. Up until recently I didn't really think it mattered. But recently I've had a change of heart.
My husband is a very busy man. He works full time and he's in the process of starting a new business. Needless to say he has a lot on his plate. Sometimes that means plans we've made sort of go by the wayside. Especially little things like, walks together or drinking a glass of wine outside in the evening. They seem small and unimportant, but every time he cancels on me because he's tired or too busy it hurts. It's not horrible and I understand, but that doesn't change the fact that breaking promises, even small ones is hurtful.
I now understand why my kids get upset when I break those small promises. Each time it's like a small pin prick to the heart. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I can promise that I'll think harder before the next time. And if I do have to break a promise I'll definitely be more sympathetic to their feelings.

Balance

I struggle with trying to find balance in my life. Balance between, kids, home school, cleaning house, my husband and myself. One of the problems is that I struggle with what I really want. I want to be organized and have a well kept home, but I also want to have a home that invites creativity and happy chaos. I'm sure the two can be blended, but I haven't figured out how to do it. I don't know anyone else that has done it yet either.

Trying to find balance between myself and my children is the hardest. It's especially hard since I unschool. I use to think I had to stop whatever I was doing in order to help my kids. I had this big fear that if I didn't do whatever they wanted RIGHT THEN they would miss out on an important learning opportunity! I worried they would never have the opportunity again! Well, guess what? Kids don't forget that easily! Trust me, if you tell your 7 year old you'll play math bingo later they WILL remember!

I'm learning to take time for myself. To put myself first. That's right I said it! What I've learned is that by meeting my own needs first I am able to meet the needs of my family in a much more enjoyable manner. There's that saying " if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." Well, that's true.

I feel like I struggle constantly with all of this. I feel like the weight is constantly shifting. Sometimes I feel like one part of my life is going to take over and crush the other parts of my life.

I am always learning and I am always making mistakes. I've realized that part of having balance in my life is being able to forgive myself for those mistakes.

Motherhood

Being a mom is a very wonderful part of who I am, but it is NOT who I am. The problem is I don't know who I am anymore!

I've been having a lot of "oh fuck, who I am I" episodes lately and it has really got me thinking.

I've been a mother for so long that now I'm kind of lost. And for a long time being a mother was enough, but it's not enough anymore. Woman can not survive on motherhood alone!

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure out what it is that I need. I feel like I have a big hole in me at times and I have no idea how to fill it.

Sometimes I feel like I could go over the edge, and there are days when it's just not worth it! The hours of screaming, fighting and complaining are not always worth the 1 adorable smile I get from my 2 year old.

We don't like to talk about it in our society, but at times being a mom is not wonderful. It's a ruthless bitch! Especially since we as women are so hard on ourselves. We feel bad about the smallest things, and we have a hard time getting over those feelings.

I'm learning to let go. I'm learning not to fret if my kids eat too much junk food or watch too much TV. I'm learning not to compare myself to the super moms out there. I don't believe they really exist anyways.

At times I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water, but I cling to the hope that it will get better. Dear god(dess) let it get better!

Poem

This is something I wrote quite a while back. I wrote it after talking to a friend about her hospital birth experience. When I first wrote it I felt like it needed more. However, I looked at it again today and I think I'm going to leave it alone for the time being.



The fluorescent artificial light replaces the sun. Cold metal and itchy blankets replace the natural wood and downy comforters of the family bed. No longer will you hear the chirping of birds or even your own breath. Now it is only the rhythmic beat of the monitors and the chatter of strangers invading your space.

They say you are safe here. You are not. You are wide open. Open to their abuse. Open to their pressures. Legs spread, trapped, a loaded gun at your back. They say it will take away the pain. You will feel nothing. But since when is feeling nothing a good thing?

old post

I just found this post and even though it was finished I never posted it. I honestly don't remember writing it. I feel like this a lot and the only reason I can think of for not posting it is that maybe I was ashamed. I'm going to post it now though.

I feel like I have a giant hole inside me. I feel like it's getting ready to fester and ooze over. Something is missing and I don't know what it is. I feel isolated and disconnected from everyone around me. I try to fill it, but nothing seems to work. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to fix it. I feel like my home is killing me. I need to be outside and walk in the dirt. When I talk to people I feel like there is a piece of glass between us. I feel like they're hazy and sometimes I wonder if I'm really speaking to them.
I want to scream, "what am I doing here!"
I need to be making something, but I don't know what. I try cooking but still I am empty. I try building, but still I am empty. EMPTY! EMPTY! EMPTY!
I wonder if digging in the dirt will fill me up. I wonder if being alone will fill me up.
I feel a complete disconnect from Mother Earth

Cursing

I was recently out with a group of my friends when the issue of cursing came up. I was amused at how serious my friends took the idea of their children cursing. They feared their children cursing like I fear mine getting hit by a car!

I made the comment that I didn't know what the big deal was and that I thought it was a waste of energy. I was met with complete and total silence and shocked faces! I felt like I might as well have told them I let might children stab people, and I didn't know what the big deal was!

I do occasionally get onto R for cursing, but he does it excessively and he doesn't do it "right" He just randomly throws our bad words and it's more annoying than anything. When I do get onto him I usually just tell him to stop. I don't actually discipline him for it.

I also don't allow my children to curse around other people. I realize a lot of people don't like cursing and I want my kids to respect that.

I don't think my friends are wrong to not want their kids to use foul language, I just think I'll use my energy somewhere else.

In conclusion

Well our week of yes is over. I learned a lot this week. First of all saying yes did NOT make my life harder. It made it easier. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't a cure all for my problems with R, but it definitely didn't make things worse. I realized that I say no out of habit and without really thinking about it. My goal is to really think before I say yes or no from now on.

Day 4

Yesterday we had playgroup and I had coffee night so it was a pretty easy day. We were busy and well entertained.

I've noticed it's very hard for me to always say yes to R. He's not the most pleasant child, and I tend to shy away from doing activities with him. Sometimes I feel lost as to what to do about R. He has a big heart and he's not bad, but he is so obnoxious it's hard to comprehend! He's exhausting. I sometimes feel that having him at home is not a good thing. I could/would never send him to school, but in all honesty our days are easier when he's not around:(.

Day 3

R loves to light candles! The kid can't get enough of it. This was another one of those things that I always said no to. Now I see the benefit of letting him light the candles. It builds up his confidence and it encourages responsibility.

I'm noticing the kids are playing together better than usual today. I feel that by saying yes and not sweating the small things I am taking away a lot of stress from their lives and my own. It is much more stressful to have a kid upset over not being able to light candles than it is to actually help that child light the candles!

Day 2

Yesterday was stressful. Not so much because of our experiment this week, but just in general. R can have a very obnoxious personality and he can make the days stressful. I try to step back and figure out WHY he does the things he does, bur at times I can't find a reason for his behavior.

We went grocery shopping which is always a tense activity, but we did pretty well. I was afraid my grocery bill would be through the roof since I planned on saying yes to all the kids requests. Surprisingly it wasn't too bad and contrary to popular belief my kids didn't just by junk food!

E baked and decorated cupcakes and she even plans on starting a blog about all the stuff she makes.

We played lots of games including I Spy and Yes or NO.

I went to bed last night feeling pretty stressed. I realized this morning however that the stress was not caused by my kids as much as it was by the way I process things.

Day 1

Yesterday was our first day of "The Week of Yes." It was fairly uneventful. We just stayed home and played games and watched movies.

We played a math bingo which used addition and subtraction. R got this game for Christmas and has been wanting to play it for a long time. I've resisted for various reasons, but yesterday we just went for it. We had fun and did some math at the same time.

We watched a couple of movies including the "Simpson's Movie" and "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs."

The kids also made some stuff out of sculpey. R made a puppy complete with a water and food bowl. E made a bright red bird.

It was a pretty uneventful day, but I noticed we had less meltdowns and that R was more likely to play on his own.

The Week of Yes

We are unschoolers so the word no isn't heard as much in our house as others. When you learn by living you have to actually be able to live! However recently the word no has been said a lot around here. Sometimes with good reason, like when I just can't afford something. However there's been a lot of no's just because I've been too tired/lazy to say yes or find an alternate solution to whatever it is the kids need or want.

So, I've decided to have a week of Yes. I need to start out small, so just a week for now.

I'm going to say yes to everything! The only time I will say no is if is too expensive or dangerous and I absolutely can not find an alternate solution.

I'm going to post daily to let everyone know how things are going.

The Birth of Keiran Oliver

On February 2nd 2008 I was walking around Wal-Mart more that 2 weeks "late" when it all of a sudden hit me that the next day I would have my baby

I awoke around 3am to some middle of the road contractions. The pain was manageable, but I did have to pause with each contraction. I went into the living room to eat and roll around on the birth ball. I would roll my belly over the big white ball taking deep breaths and saying words of encouragement to myself. "You are strong." "You can do this."

At some point Josh turned on the cd player and lit some candles. He knows I want to be left alone while I labor so he doesn't hover. He just occasionally asks me if I need anything and encourages me to drink plenty of fluids.

The kids are awake by now and watching a cartoon, when it hits me that I am overstimulated! I quickly retreat to my bedroom and shut the door. No candles, no music. Just me squatting on my unmade bed.

The contractions are pretty intense now and I'm rocking back and forth during them. I don't time them, but I know they're getting closer together.

I stare at my birth altar, and all the beautiful gifts my friends gave me at my Mother Blessing. I look at all the goddesses I have painted and some others have painted for me. I read through my birth affirmations and read aloud the Trust Birth initiative. I am strong, I am in pain and I am doing this!

My friend Katie made me a beautiful birth affirmation poster and I focused on the words. "My body was made to give birth." "My body was made to give birth." " I am strong." I am strong." "Each rush of birth energy is an interesting sensation requiring my complete attention" "interesting sensation.....?" Interesting sensation my ASS! It hits me then that the bedroom is too large and I feel exposed. I quickly retreat to my tiny bathroom and jump in the shower. The hot water feels good on my belly and lower back.

I squat and swirl my hips. I sing to the baby and at one point tell it if it comes out in the next hour I'll buy he or she a car when they're 16. I will not be buying that car.

The hot water runs out and I make my way to the second most comfortable spot, the toilet. I spend the next few hours taking turns laboring on the toilet and in the shower.

I occasionally get out and crawl on the floor. I'm amazed at how animalistic I feel. I'm like a lioness. I arch my back with each contraction and curve it down as they let up.

Things are getting intense now! Josh is coming in occasionally to bring me juice and spoon fulls of honey. I'm in the shower and and I quickly open the door. I tell him, "I can't fucking do this anymore!" Then I promptly throw up.

The hot water once again runs out and I'm sitting on the toilet. The contractions are almost violent now. They force my body to move and I feel a certain loss of control, but I'm not afraid. Never at any point was I afraid. My water still hadn't broken and I was thinking I still had a long ways to go. My first 2 labors had been 20+ hours and I was only about 81/2 hours into this one.

All of a sudden I began to feel pushy. I let my body do what it wants, but I still think it will be a while and then I realize my body is really pushing!

I throw myself onto the ground and I yell for Josh, he doesn't come. I yell again, he still doesn't come. I remember thinking, "that jack ass is playing drums!" I'm not afraid, but I don't want him to miss it.

I slowly feel the pressure as the baby crowns. My water had broke at some point and I didn't even notice it! Just like my other births I feel no "ring of fire." The head is completely out when Josh comes in. ( He was putting the kids in my parents car and didn't hear me.) I am in a kneeling position sort of like I'm proposing but my right leg is out to the side. My legs began to shake, but not out of nervousness it's just something I do during labor. Josh tells me I'm shaking the baby. I realize I'm actually going to have to push to get this baby out. My other 2 had just slipped out, but this one just stayed put. I panic for a brief second and tell Josh, " I can't do this!" He just looks at me and says, "yes you can." I give one good push and Keiran Oliver slips in to my hands. He is super slippery and Josh has to help me hold onto him. He has hardly any vernix and his cord is wrapped around one shoulder sort of like tarzan. He pinks up and begins to cry almost immediately.

I try to nurse him, but he's not interested yet. We make our way to the bed and lay down. I start to feel weird and my bleeding is pretty heavy so we decide to call a midwife friend and get her opinion. She comes over and helps us remedy the problem. We ask her to weigh the baby. 9 lbs even, my biggest baby!

She helps me clean up, because like my other births I somehow managed to get covered in blood! After a while she leaves and the 3 of us snuggle up in bed. Keiran is nursing and I'm tired. I feel amazing and powerful. I am in awe at my body's ability.