Motherhood

Being a mom is a very wonderful part of who I am, but it is NOT who I am. The problem is I don't know who I am anymore!

I've been having a lot of "oh fuck, who I am I" episodes lately and it has really got me thinking.

I've been a mother for so long that now I'm kind of lost. And for a long time being a mother was enough, but it's not enough anymore. Woman can not survive on motherhood alone!

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure out what it is that I need. I feel like I have a big hole in me at times and I have no idea how to fill it.

Sometimes I feel like I could go over the edge, and there are days when it's just not worth it! The hours of screaming, fighting and complaining are not always worth the 1 adorable smile I get from my 2 year old.

We don't like to talk about it in our society, but at times being a mom is not wonderful. It's a ruthless bitch! Especially since we as women are so hard on ourselves. We feel bad about the smallest things, and we have a hard time getting over those feelings.

I'm learning to let go. I'm learning not to fret if my kids eat too much junk food or watch too much TV. I'm learning not to compare myself to the super moms out there. I don't believe they really exist anyways.

At times I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water, but I cling to the hope that it will get better. Dear god(dess) let it get better!

Poem

This is something I wrote quite a while back. I wrote it after talking to a friend about her hospital birth experience. When I first wrote it I felt like it needed more. However, I looked at it again today and I think I'm going to leave it alone for the time being.



The fluorescent artificial light replaces the sun. Cold metal and itchy blankets replace the natural wood and downy comforters of the family bed. No longer will you hear the chirping of birds or even your own breath. Now it is only the rhythmic beat of the monitors and the chatter of strangers invading your space.

They say you are safe here. You are not. You are wide open. Open to their abuse. Open to their pressures. Legs spread, trapped, a loaded gun at your back. They say it will take away the pain. You will feel nothing. But since when is feeling nothing a good thing?

old post

I just found this post and even though it was finished I never posted it. I honestly don't remember writing it. I feel like this a lot and the only reason I can think of for not posting it is that maybe I was ashamed. I'm going to post it now though.

I feel like I have a giant hole inside me. I feel like it's getting ready to fester and ooze over. Something is missing and I don't know what it is. I feel isolated and disconnected from everyone around me. I try to fill it, but nothing seems to work. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to fix it. I feel like my home is killing me. I need to be outside and walk in the dirt. When I talk to people I feel like there is a piece of glass between us. I feel like they're hazy and sometimes I wonder if I'm really speaking to them.
I want to scream, "what am I doing here!"
I need to be making something, but I don't know what. I try cooking but still I am empty. I try building, but still I am empty. EMPTY! EMPTY! EMPTY!
I wonder if digging in the dirt will fill me up. I wonder if being alone will fill me up.
I feel a complete disconnect from Mother Earth

Cursing

I was recently out with a group of my friends when the issue of cursing came up. I was amused at how serious my friends took the idea of their children cursing. They feared their children cursing like I fear mine getting hit by a car!

I made the comment that I didn't know what the big deal was and that I thought it was a waste of energy. I was met with complete and total silence and shocked faces! I felt like I might as well have told them I let might children stab people, and I didn't know what the big deal was!

I do occasionally get onto R for cursing, but he does it excessively and he doesn't do it "right" He just randomly throws our bad words and it's more annoying than anything. When I do get onto him I usually just tell him to stop. I don't actually discipline him for it.

I also don't allow my children to curse around other people. I realize a lot of people don't like cursing and I want my kids to respect that.

I don't think my friends are wrong to not want their kids to use foul language, I just think I'll use my energy somewhere else.